Prepare for the Worst

Back when I used to watch A Baby Story everyday, I saw an episode where a woman was giving birth to her second baby. Her husband, a soldier in the Army, had been killed just months earlier. She said something like, "I never thought about the possibility of him not coming home."

I won't type the exact words I yelled at the TV--at her-- because I don't like to use that language. Basically, I called her a liar. I could not and still cannot even think that there might be a woman who sends her husband (or, to be fair, a spouse who sends his or her spouse) off on a deployment without imagining the worst.

Ryan and I were talking about it one day, and he said I'd probably be better off if he died than he would be if I died. It isn't that I love him less, but I feel that I have to be mentally prepared.

I feel this way even more with Adlee. I am so stinkin' afraid of SIDS that I have to imagine the worst. Almost every night, after listening for her breathing so I can sleep, I imagine what it would be if she stopped breathing in the night. How could I survive if ...and I wasn't somewhat mentally prepared? I know I can't be mentally prepared, but it's better to think through it now rather than when I am overcome with real grief.

Does anyone else think this way? You have to, right?

Don't get the wrong impression. I don't dwell on it. I don't "live in" the fear. In fact, I get all spiritual about it and remember that both Ryan and Adlee belong to God and that they would be waiting in heaven for me. I pray for God to help me give control of their lives over to Him which I know is ridiculous because, in reality, I have no control. Even though it's ridiculous, I still need to pray it. I think about it and move on.

Please don't think I'm overcome with worry. I know my worry wouldn't change anything, so I don't worry. I prepare. I don't allow my fear to paralyze me. I am facing my fear when I imagine the worst.

I'm sorry this was so dark, and I hope you don't think I'm mentally ill.

Jordon :)

Yellow Sleeper

Today, I teared up when I dressed Adlee in a plain cotton sleeper.

Last fall, I went garage sale-ing in my parents' neighborhood with my sisters and my dad. Jenna already had her three little ones, Joelle was expecting her second baby, and I was expecting my first--Miss Adlee. We were buying up baby clothes and baby furniture.

I picked, along with other precious little pieces of clothing, a yellow sleeper hoping my baby would wear it someday.

We walked back to Mom's and Dad's house--without a car we made quite a spectacle walking home loaded down with bags of clothes, toys, a little tent, and a toddler bed. I sat down and spread out all my purchases for Mom to see. For reasons I don't fully understand, it is really important to have her share my "mommy experiences" with me.

I remember trying to imagine what time of the year my baby would fit the yellow sleeper. I guessed it would be in the spring or summer.

At that time, the thought of this little wiggling, cooing, smiling, chubby-cheeked girl was just a hope.

My hopes came true today. Priceless.

Dear Adlee, 3 Months

Adlee,

You are three months old! You coo and “cough” at us. You started cooing and smiling at about 6 weeks. Now, Mommy and Daddy love to have conversations with you. Especially now that we can get you to laugh. You laugh when we hold you up over our heads or sometimes when we tickle your armpits. In the past couple of days, you have laughed when Mommy blows on your tummy. You hardly ever cried in your first few weeks of life, but you have learned how. Now, you let us know how you feel quite loudly. Your face really lets us know what you are thinking; your eyebrows are always scrunched together or held up high. At around 2 months, you started sticking your bottom lip out when you were really looking at someone. We called it your “I want a pony” face.

You have quite a few nicknames. Mommy calls you Punkin-Pie, Sweetums, and Shnookums. Both Mommy and Daddy call you Chunky-Buns (sorry!).

You have learned to soothe yourself pretty well. You sucked on your hands when you were first born, but eventually forgot and had to re-learn how. You started working on getting your hands to your mouth again at about 7 weeks. You still struggle sometimes. Now, you will grab a blankie or burp rag or Daddy’s hand and try to chew it. You started sucking on your lips a couple of weeks ago. Now, you also blow spit bubbles.

You rolled over for the first time at your 2 month appointment on March 11. The nurse practitioner just finished saying that you held your head up like a four-month-old when you plopped over from your tummy to your back. I was shocked, but I don’t think you were. You rolled over again on April 2, but you haven’t done it a third time yet.

You started sleeping four hours at a time at about 4 weeks, and you’re up to 6 hours at a time now. You have not slept all night yet. At first, the only way you fell asleep was when you were eating. Now, you can stay awake after a feeding, so we hold you until you sleep. Your favorite position is outward looking at the TV or whatever else is in the room. You don’t have a set schedule, but if we have nothing going on for a few days in a row, you will get in a grove.

You are a very strong girl. You’ve always held your head up well, and you have been able to sit or stand with just a little support for most of your life. You are able to turn your head to look around easily. You often kick your legs and swing your arms.

You like to have someone talking to you almost all the time, so Mommy has a hard time getting housework done. That’s okay! You’re most important! Sometimes, you are happy by yourself. I’ve started putting you in your exer-saucer in the past couple of weeks, and you like trying to touch the toys—working on hand-eye coordination--or looking at the pretty designs on the seat cover.

We read books. At first, your favorite was Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See?. Now, you also like A You’re Adorable and books with pictures of animals.

We just went on your first Mustang ride. Mommy’s chair was all the way forward so we could fit your car seat in the little backseat. You fell asleep.

Love you so much!

Mommy