I had just about finished a blog post that inadequately described how I am feeling, and Mom called. I burst into tears on the phone with her.
I was feeling guilty because I am not as excited or happy as I think I should be. Everyone else asks me if I'm excited and they seem more excited than I am.
"I just want Ryan home. I'm not excited; I can't feel anything else until Ryan is home." I told her.
She told me that I can feel that. That it is normal and right. Half my heart is gone. It won't be whole until Ryan and I are home together. I've been through a hard year, and I'm feeling so many emotions right now.
Yes, Mom. Exactly.
If I've been calm, it's because the alternative would not be happy excitement it would be anxiousness (probably to the point that I could no longer function).
To reassure you, I understand and understood when you asked or said something, that you are happy for us and that you love us. I appreciate your love. Thank you.
I don't know quite how I feel right now or how I will feel tomorrow, and that is okay. I do love my husband very much. I do want him to be home with me more than I want anything.
Jordon
You'll probably feel the same way when you find out you're pregnant for the first time. You should be excited, but there's this fear and anxiety about it too. "Am I really ready for this?" "Will I be a good parent?" "What if we have a miscarriage?" "What if it's more than one?" It just goes on and on. Now I understand how you are feeling in a way. I felt just like this the night before the big ultrasound where we found out if we were having a boy or a girl too. It's like you're excited for what's to come, but you know that tomorrow your life won't be the same as it's been for awhile. No matter what you feel, your mom is right. Whatever you're feeling is correct. :)
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