I'm reading a really great book called So Long, Insecurity by Beth Moore. I highly recommend that everyone read it. It has long been a theory of mine that most of the stupid things people think, say, and do stem from insecurity (often mixed with pride), and this book explores that and how to let God heal us.
So today, in order to heal, I've been revising some of my insecurity. Do you mind if I share? It's deeply personal, but if you read my blog, you must like getting to know me.
I found a theme in most of my relationships: I played second fiddle often. Then, I started expecting to play second fiddle. I even sought out relationships where I could play second fiddle.
First, please don't judge my wonderful mother, but in this paragraph pay attention to the word perception. In childhood, it was my perception because I was an oldest child like my dad and my aunt (both of whom I think sometimes caused my mom to feel insecure) that my mom was not as pleased as me as she was with my sisters. I went through a phase where I thought keeping my room perfectly clean would do the trick, but I was still a little girl who was naughty from time to time. I remember sitting on my bed crying more than once because (in my perception) I just couldn't make her happy.
Then, one of my best friends in elementary school and early middle school was in my perception thinner, prettier, smarter, and more popular in our church congregation than me. It didn't help that in middle school the boys would ask her out and not me. It didn't help that she began to make fun of me. I felt completely awkward around her.
Before middle school ended, I eventually had other friends who accepted me, and I had boys interested in me even after meeting my other friends. I literally thank God for the break before I broke.
My first high school boyfriend was interested in my sister first but settled for me when she began going out with someone else. He broke up with me in order to pursue my best friend. My second high school boyfriend had no other girl he liked more (I think?) although he was pursuing one of my friends right before we started going out. I was second fiddle to his selfish desires. I was used when he wanted my companionship or for sexual fulfillment, but I was tossed aside when he wanted to be with his friends. We never had intercourse, but he told me after he dumped me that he thought it would have helped our relationship if I had given in. Neither of these young men were bad young men. If I had been more secure/mature, I would be remembering them as good friends from high school. Are you seeing my mistake? I was looking for these young men to validate me. If I had been secure, I may not have gone out with either of them.
In college, I guess I was so used to playing second fiddle, I picked a roommate who I thought was better at English, our major, than me. I was romantically interested in a series of boys. For one of those boys, I played second fiddle to whomever he was dating at the time. I let him flirt with me even when I knew he had a girlfriend. One time, I even went to a party with him and let him give me a long hug and a kiss on the forehead when he had another girlfriend. I am so glad that I saw how ridiculous I was being with him before I let myself ruin my relationship with Ryan.
I have never played second fiddle for Ryan. He has always loved me best. But, I expected to be second in his life. First, I tried to think he was just using me and didn't love me as much as I loved him, but that wasn't true. Then, I tried really hard for the first few years of marriage to play second fiddle. I was constantly asking if he wanted me to be more like his mom or his sister. No, he loves me.
Now, looking back over these memories, I see that Ryan's love for me is only a reflection of God's love for me. All those times when I felt second best, God was loving me because I was uniquely made by Him to be me--the first, only, and best me. How wonderfully healing!
I feel like I need to say before I close that these memories are just snapshots and not the whole picture. There were many, many times when I felt very loved and "first best." There were many times in addition to these that I felt very insecure, like when I felt like a second class woman because I wasn't a mom yet. The key is to picture God in the midst of all this hurt. What was He thinking? How was He seeing me? Through Jesus, He was seeing me as beautiful and as perfect as I've always longed to be. I pleased Him.
I encourage you to be brave enough to look at the times when you were hurt the most and imagine what God was thinking about you at that time (I've heard of doing this from other Christians, but I've not read it in the book--but I'm only halfway through). I encourage you to read Beth Moore's book, So Long Insecurity. I'm already planning to read it a second time with a notebook in hand.
A step closer to being a more secure person,
Jordon
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Family Vacation/14th Week
Just tonight, we got home from vacation to Santa Fe with Ryan's family. While unpacking, Ryan and I (and baby) finished off a large Casey's pizza! We've never done that before :)
(For those of you keeping track of my effort to control acne with my diet, no, I shouldn't have had all that cheese...or bread. I was just enjoying one last day of vacation and filling a craving.)
It fits the theme of the vacation, really, because I grew quite a belly on vacation! I even popped a button off my shorts last night. I'm thinking I'll be transitioning into maternity clothes now. I act like I hate it, but really, I've looked forward to this my whole life. I was just telling Ryan's sister that when my sisters and I played Barbies we used half of plastic Easter eggs to make them pregnant. We also frequently stuffed our dresses when we played dress-up. As I got older, my dreams turned to intense longing to have a baby of my own. That I get to carry a baby is a big privilege. In quiet moments, I lie with my hands on my belly praising God and praying for my sweet child.
So, we went to Santa Fe to spend time with Ryan's family (including his grandma, aunts, uncle, and cousins). It was lovely! I told Ryan on the way home, "I like your family!" I really do.
Santa Fe is liberal and new-agey and a nice place to visit. It was interesting to see the history and architecture (buildings made of adobe). The area just North of Santa Fe in the mountains was beautiful. Ryan went trout fishing there a couple of days, and he was very successful one of the days--17 fish!
One day, we went on a almost three mile hike in the mountains. For a preggo girl who can be totally out of breath just sitting on the couch in Iowa, I did REALLY well on the hike! I think my body liked getting the blood flowing. I really need to get back to taking walks now that I'm home, but it's just so hot outside.
We stopped by Denver on the way home. I got to meet a very lovely couple from Ryan's family's past. Then, we stopped by Mile High Sports Authority Stadium before we left. Ryan was pretty happy. We looked at baby clothes and just couldn't decide what to get. We figured that by the football season after next baby will be wearing 12 month sized clothes, but Ryan and I couldn't decide what to get. Ryan's siblings told us they wanted to buy a sweet little windsuit, so we let them. Ryan decided to get three little footballs for baby. Ryan's dad kept picking up little pink outfits and dresses...we put his vote in the girl column.
Side note: So far, there are just three people voting boy. Everyone else thinks baby is a girl. Ryan and I are keeping our thoughts to ourselves, but we'll be thrilled either way! We'll find out at the end of August.
So, Ryan and I have spent the past three days in the car. I said we should have been keeping track of gas stations, fast food restaurants, and public restrooms. I think we used a lot of them! Now, it's time for me to enjoy being home, but I wanted to give a little update...especially for Jenna B.
Other pregnancy updates before I go: almost no morning sickness anymore, eating lots, tummy growing, energy levels normal, getting dizzy and/or lightheaded often, my bladder has no idea when I really have to go and when I don't, still thrilled and excited and happy :) oh! and bloating...How could I almost forget the bloating and gas? I have sympathy for those babies who need burped half-way through a meal!
Jordon
Update: I had to edit my post to add a few things I forgot: I liked the weather in Santa Fe, but it was less than ideal to get caught in heavy rain a couple of days :) Also, I forgot that I also get heartburn often...I think maybe forgetting could be another symptom?
(For those of you keeping track of my effort to control acne with my diet, no, I shouldn't have had all that cheese...or bread. I was just enjoying one last day of vacation and filling a craving.)
It fits the theme of the vacation, really, because I grew quite a belly on vacation! I even popped a button off my shorts last night. I'm thinking I'll be transitioning into maternity clothes now. I act like I hate it, but really, I've looked forward to this my whole life. I was just telling Ryan's sister that when my sisters and I played Barbies we used half of plastic Easter eggs to make them pregnant. We also frequently stuffed our dresses when we played dress-up. As I got older, my dreams turned to intense longing to have a baby of my own. That I get to carry a baby is a big privilege. In quiet moments, I lie with my hands on my belly praising God and praying for my sweet child.
So, we went to Santa Fe to spend time with Ryan's family (including his grandma, aunts, uncle, and cousins). It was lovely! I told Ryan on the way home, "I like your family!" I really do.
Santa Fe is liberal and new-agey and a nice place to visit. It was interesting to see the history and architecture (buildings made of adobe). The area just North of Santa Fe in the mountains was beautiful. Ryan went trout fishing there a couple of days, and he was very successful one of the days--17 fish!
One day, we went on a almost three mile hike in the mountains. For a preggo girl who can be totally out of breath just sitting on the couch in Iowa, I did REALLY well on the hike! I think my body liked getting the blood flowing. I really need to get back to taking walks now that I'm home, but it's just so hot outside.
We stopped by Denver on the way home. I got to meet a very lovely couple from Ryan's family's past. Then, we stopped by Mile High Sports Authority Stadium before we left. Ryan was pretty happy. We looked at baby clothes and just couldn't decide what to get. We figured that by the football season after next baby will be wearing 12 month sized clothes, but Ryan and I couldn't decide what to get. Ryan's siblings told us they wanted to buy a sweet little windsuit, so we let them. Ryan decided to get three little footballs for baby. Ryan's dad kept picking up little pink outfits and dresses...we put his vote in the girl column.
Side note: So far, there are just three people voting boy. Everyone else thinks baby is a girl. Ryan and I are keeping our thoughts to ourselves, but we'll be thrilled either way! We'll find out at the end of August.
So, Ryan and I have spent the past three days in the car. I said we should have been keeping track of gas stations, fast food restaurants, and public restrooms. I think we used a lot of them! Now, it's time for me to enjoy being home, but I wanted to give a little update...especially for Jenna B.
Other pregnancy updates before I go: almost no morning sickness anymore, eating lots, tummy growing, energy levels normal, getting dizzy and/or lightheaded often, my bladder has no idea when I really have to go and when I don't, still thrilled and excited and happy :) oh! and bloating...How could I almost forget the bloating and gas? I have sympathy for those babies who need burped half-way through a meal!
Jordon
Update: I had to edit my post to add a few things I forgot: I liked the weather in Santa Fe, but it was less than ideal to get caught in heavy rain a couple of days :) Also, I forgot that I also get heartburn often...I think maybe forgetting could be another symptom?
Monday, July 2, 2012
Comfort
This past weekend, we had a big family get together on my mom's side of the family. We had all 52 family members in one picture to celebrate Grandpa's and Grandma's 55th wedding anniversary. They have 22 great-grandchildren with another 3 on the way! We like babies in our family.
Anyway, being in that same area, my parents, my sister with her little ones, and I spent the night with my dad's parents. I spent the night in the same room as my sister and her little ones. Her middle child is just weeks away from being two. He LOVES Thomas the Train, talks (mostly gibberish) all the time, loves to run and race, and makes his "cross" face to get a laugh.
In the middle of the night last night, there were fireworks going off at the nearby casino. I don't know if this woke the little guy up, or if he would have woken up anyway. He and I (and a number of other people on my dad's side of the family) don't sleep deeply and wake up numerous times during the night. He started yelling, "Mommy!" My sister held him, and comforted him saying, "I'm here. I'm here. I'm here." I thought how scary it must be for the little guy to be in a strange place around strange people and to wake up to strange noises in the middle of the night. I thought how powerful a comfort my sister's presence must be to him.
It was a beautiful picture of God's comforting presence when we are in dark strange places in our lives. Regardless of the circumstances just His presence is enough to comfort us. He holds us close and says, "I'm here. I'm here. I'm here."
My sweet nephew wouldn't have been comforted nearly as much by anyone else. He needed someone who has taken care of him consistently. He needed someone he knows he can trust.
In the same way, God comforts us when we know we can trust Him. If we don't take the time to know who He is, His comfort is much less effective in the hard times.
If you couldn't infer it from my story, I want to make sure you know that my sister is an excellent, loving, and patient mommy who is well loved by her kids. I love her and them very much!
Get to know your Comforter. Build your trust in Him. It makes the dark times okay.
Love to you all,
Jordon
Anyway, being in that same area, my parents, my sister with her little ones, and I spent the night with my dad's parents. I spent the night in the same room as my sister and her little ones. Her middle child is just weeks away from being two. He LOVES Thomas the Train, talks (mostly gibberish) all the time, loves to run and race, and makes his "cross" face to get a laugh.
In the middle of the night last night, there were fireworks going off at the nearby casino. I don't know if this woke the little guy up, or if he would have woken up anyway. He and I (and a number of other people on my dad's side of the family) don't sleep deeply and wake up numerous times during the night. He started yelling, "Mommy!" My sister held him, and comforted him saying, "I'm here. I'm here. I'm here." I thought how scary it must be for the little guy to be in a strange place around strange people and to wake up to strange noises in the middle of the night. I thought how powerful a comfort my sister's presence must be to him.
It was a beautiful picture of God's comforting presence when we are in dark strange places in our lives. Regardless of the circumstances just His presence is enough to comfort us. He holds us close and says, "I'm here. I'm here. I'm here."
My sweet nephew wouldn't have been comforted nearly as much by anyone else. He needed someone who has taken care of him consistently. He needed someone he knows he can trust.
In the same way, God comforts us when we know we can trust Him. If we don't take the time to know who He is, His comfort is much less effective in the hard times.
If you couldn't infer it from my story, I want to make sure you know that my sister is an excellent, loving, and patient mommy who is well loved by her kids. I love her and them very much!
Get to know your Comforter. Build your trust in Him. It makes the dark times okay.
Love to you all,
Jordon
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