Insecurities

I'm reading a really great book called So Long, Insecurity by Beth Moore. I highly recommend that everyone read it. It has long been a theory of mine that most of the stupid things people think, say, and do stem from insecurity (often mixed with pride), and this book explores that and how to let God heal us.

So today, in order to heal, I've been revising some of my insecurity. Do you mind if I share? It's deeply personal, but if you read my blog, you must like getting to know me.

I found a theme in most of my relationships: I played second fiddle often. Then, I started expecting to play second fiddle. I even sought out relationships where I could play second fiddle.

First, please don't judge my wonderful mother, but in this paragraph pay attention to the word perception. In childhood, it was my perception because I was an oldest child like my dad and my aunt (both of whom I think sometimes caused my mom to feel insecure) that my mom was not as pleased as me as she was with my sisters. I went through a phase where I thought keeping my room perfectly clean would do the trick, but I was still a little girl who was naughty from time to time. I remember sitting on my bed crying more than once because (in my perception) I just couldn't make her happy.

Then, one of my best friends in elementary school and early middle school was in my perception thinner, prettier, smarter, and more popular in our church congregation than me. It didn't help that in middle school the boys would ask her out and not me. It didn't help that she began to make fun of me. I felt completely awkward around her.

Before middle school ended, I eventually had other friends who accepted me, and I had boys interested in me even after meeting my other friends. I literally thank God for the break before I broke.

My first high school boyfriend was interested in my sister first but settled for me when she began going out with someone else. He broke up with me in order to pursue my best friend. My second high school boyfriend had no other girl he liked more (I think?) although he was pursuing one of my friends right before we started going out. I was second fiddle to his selfish desires. I was used when he wanted my companionship or for sexual fulfillment, but I was tossed aside when he wanted to be with his friends. We never had intercourse, but he told me after he dumped me that he thought it would have helped our relationship if I had given in. Neither of these young men were bad young men. If I had been more secure/mature, I would be remembering them as good friends from high school. Are you seeing my mistake? I was looking for these young men to validate me. If I had been secure, I may not have gone out with either of them.

In college, I guess I was so used to playing second fiddle, I picked a roommate who I thought was better at English, our major, than me. I was romantically interested in a series of boys. For one of those boys, I played second fiddle to whomever he was dating at the time. I let him flirt with me even when I knew he had a girlfriend. One time, I even went to a party with him and let him give me a long hug and a kiss on the forehead when he had another girlfriend. I am so glad that I saw how ridiculous I was being with him before I let myself ruin my relationship with Ryan.

I have never played second fiddle for Ryan. He has always loved me best. But, I expected to be second in his life. First, I tried to think he was just using me and didn't love me as much as I loved him, but that wasn't true. Then, I tried really hard for the first few years of marriage to play second fiddle. I was constantly asking if he wanted me to be more like his mom or his sister. No, he loves me.

Now, looking back over these memories, I see that Ryan's love for me is only a reflection of God's love for me. All those times when I felt second best, God was loving me because I was uniquely made by Him to be me--the first, only, and best me. How wonderfully healing!

I feel like I need to say before I close that these memories are just snapshots and not the whole picture. There were many, many times when I felt very loved and "first best." There were many times in addition to these that I felt very insecure, like when I felt like a second class woman because I wasn't a mom yet. The key is to picture God in the midst of all this hurt. What was He thinking? How was He seeing me? Through Jesus, He was seeing me as beautiful and as perfect as I've always longed to be. I pleased Him.

I encourage you to be brave enough to look at the times when you were hurt the most and imagine what God was thinking about you at that time (I've heard of doing this from other Christians, but I've not read it in the book--but I'm only halfway through). I encourage you to read Beth Moore's book, So Long Insecurity. I'm already planning to read it a second time with a notebook in hand.

A step closer to being a more secure person,

Jordon