Communication

I'm sorry that its been so long since I blogged last. I've been busy or tired pretty much since school started, but I thank God every day for the work He has given me. It is a privilege to work with little kiddos and talk to them about Him!

My thoughts this week...

Back in my community college speech class, I had to memorize a diagram of communication. There are many important parts, but the main three are the transmitter, channel, and receiver. Even  cutting out the other parts I had to memorize (but have since forgotten) and just looking at these three parts of communication, there is a lot that could go wrong!

Example from my class today:

Student A said, "I need help spelling 'like'."

Student B said, "Oh, I'll help you. L....I....K...an' E."

Student A writes, likne.

The transmitter transmitted correctly. The receiver received correctly. The outcome did not turn out because the channel was poorly chosen. Spelling aloud has limitations for first graders. Perhaps the transmitter should not have added in the "an'", but how was he to know how it'd be received?

Communication is difficult! The Bible talks a lot about the tongue being difficult to tame and being powerful. These are my suggestions (feel free to add to them in comments) for successful communication (which includes both transmitting and receiving).

First, everyone must understand that communication is difficult and tricky and give grace.

In receiving: 

Assume the best.

Ask questions to clarify.

Respond.

In transmitting:

Think about who should be the receiver, transmit to the receiver (not a bunch of other people).

Think about what channel (and what words) will work best to convey the message.

I just know so many times I and other adults get this all mixed up! It's one of those things that's simple, but not easy.

Off I go because I have some communication to accomplish tonight.

Jordon

Dreams Come True

A couple of years ago, I had a dream about a precious little girl. I fell in love with her.

I fell in love all over again on August 29 when I saw my baby girl on the ultrasound.

She has made my dreams come true.

My dream of taking a pregnancy test and getting a positive result, jumping up and down, and celebrating with my husband.

My dream of feeling a baby move inside of me, and my dream of sharing those moments with her daddy as he spreads his hands over my belly.

My dream of running my hand over my round belly, seeing it grow daily, and knowing my little girl is growing too.

I look forward to her making more of my dreams come true.

My dream of looking into her eyes.

My dream of cuddling her close in the middle of the night.

My dream of kissing her cheeks.

My dream of seeing her first smiles.

And so many more dreams...

I know pregnancy (even the round belly) isn't always fun, and I know motherhood won't be either. That's not the point.

For as long as I remember I dreamed of the beautiful moments, and this little girl makes my dreams come true.

Jordon

Cute Things Kids Say

So, it worked out that I am teaching first grade (all day) and kindergarten (just in afternoon) this year. Even though I've taught for two days now, my mind still involuntarily says, "Yikes!" It's not that I think I am incapable. I wouldn't do it if I felt I would be damaging children in any way. I could write an essay on how I know God prepared me and put me in that classroom. It's just that it's a big change from what I was teaching: Junior and Senior High English and History. It's also a big change from what I expected to be doing: substituting part time.

Now--at the end of day two--I am finding much to enjoy about this age group. One of the best things is the cute things they say.

At the beginning assembly the administrator says, "You all are taller and tanner..."
One of my little ones (who is African-American) points to his elbow and says, "...and blacker."
The administrator continues, "You may be feeling a bit rusty..."
He replies, "No, I was just oiled this morning."

Back in my classroom, I explain to the kids that I am going to have a baby. Of course one kiddo must ask, "How's the baby get out?"
"We're not going to talk about that." I think I'm moving on, but...
The other kiddos chime in, "I know!" "I know!" "I know!"
My eyes get big thinking about what the curious kiddo's mom and dad will say about he learned in first grade today, "No, no, no, we're not going to talk about that now!"

We have one little pre-kindergarten student who joins us in the afternoon. Her mom just had a baby in May. She walks right up to me, pats my tummy, and says "Is this your baby?"

I asked the question, "What kind of teacher do you want?"
First grade student replies, "I want you and your baby!"

I was also called the "bestest" and the "beautifulest." Getting a good response, the student continued, "I'll pick you a flower!" Of course, this was echoed by another student who was hoping to earn brownie points. Despite the poor motivation, I loved it! (I hate to admit it, but one of these kiddos just thinks I'm the best teacher because I had them make snacks on the first day of school. The way to a kid's heart...)

I am one hundred percent sure that I've missed hearing other cute sayings. I am also pretty sure I'm forgetting something. Oh well!

The bestest and beautifulest,

Jordon or "Mrs. Hoover" or "Mrs. Hoopner" (I think that's what he called me.)

Stamina

This one might be short, but I just thought I'd get you thinking like I am. I keep bumping into the idea of stamina, and I am thinking I might not have much of it anywhere.

The first place I ran into the idea of stamina was in my baby delivery research. I'll need stamina during labor. I'm planning on using the Bradley Method, and the books I'm reading make the point that I need to build up stamina by exercising regularly. I'm struggle at even getting in a walk everyday, but I'll work on it.

The second place I ran into the idea of stamina was in the new reading program the school (where I am again working--long story, tell you later). One of the most important parts of the program is building up the kids' stamina for reading.

The third place was from the mouth of one of my co-workers. He was talking about how to listen to God. He made the point that in our busy world, we need to build up stamina in being still.

I can't make any deep connections except that I need to have more stamina...and consistency...and perseverance.

A bajillion other things are going on in life right now, but I'm not ready to blog about it all yet. I haven't had time to sort out my thoughts because I'm just keeping up.

I will tell you this...I am being kicked right now :)

Blessings,

Jordon

Blessed!

I've been feeling like I need to blog, but I've not had many deep thoughts lately, just happy thoughts. It has been a long time since I've felt so content and happy in my life.

Back in February, I remember riding with my parents in their van to my nephew's birthday party and asking them if there are ever times in life when a person is completely happy or is there always a crisis? I was being a little overly dramatic and depressing as a result of hormones and finding out that I was not pregnant. I thought that once Ryan came home I'd get pregnant and be happy. My parents reassured me of what I already knew: a person has to choose to be happy.

Yes, happiness is a choice, but ... having a baby growing inside of me is helping more than I even imagined.

I don't feel like every part of my life is perfect, but I feel content in every part of my life and hopeful for even better things.

I'm vain so I'm going to start with my face. I am back to a normal (for me) amount of acne, and although I have terrible scars, I am seeing them start to fade already. It was just terribly crushing to have that pain and ugliness on my face. Whether it should have or not, it did detract from my happiness in other areas of my life.

My home is cute and all I need. I have hope that someday soon-ish we will be able to afford a nice home on a few acres where Ryan and I can teach our kids the joys and responsibilities of taking care of animals.

My ministries are right where I know God wants me. I currently serve on the school board of the small Christian school where I taught for the past four years. The school faces it's challenges, but I am so pleased to be a part of a Christ-centered school. I have hope that if we continue to be faithful, He will be faithful. I also work as a youth leader at our church. I have seen the kids grow and the group grow. We have plenty of room to grow more, but I have hope that God will help us.

My marriage to Ryan is very close to perfect. Seriously. I'm not just saying that because he reads my blog. We are best friends and rarely even disagree. I know baby will add some challenges, but baby will also add blessings.

And last, but not least...actually last and most....

My baby is already the source of the most joy in my life, and I have lots of hope that he or she will continue to be a blessing!

I'm happy! I'm content! I am just enjoying this wonderful phase in my life.

I am hoping you are feeling the same way about your life.

Jordon

Insecurities

I'm reading a really great book called So Long, Insecurity by Beth Moore. I highly recommend that everyone read it. It has long been a theory of mine that most of the stupid things people think, say, and do stem from insecurity (often mixed with pride), and this book explores that and how to let God heal us.

So today, in order to heal, I've been revising some of my insecurity. Do you mind if I share? It's deeply personal, but if you read my blog, you must like getting to know me.

I found a theme in most of my relationships: I played second fiddle often. Then, I started expecting to play second fiddle. I even sought out relationships where I could play second fiddle.

First, please don't judge my wonderful mother, but in this paragraph pay attention to the word perception. In childhood, it was my perception because I was an oldest child like my dad and my aunt (both of whom I think sometimes caused my mom to feel insecure) that my mom was not as pleased as me as she was with my sisters. I went through a phase where I thought keeping my room perfectly clean would do the trick, but I was still a little girl who was naughty from time to time. I remember sitting on my bed crying more than once because (in my perception) I just couldn't make her happy.

Then, one of my best friends in elementary school and early middle school was in my perception thinner, prettier, smarter, and more popular in our church congregation than me. It didn't help that in middle school the boys would ask her out and not me. It didn't help that she began to make fun of me. I felt completely awkward around her.

Before middle school ended, I eventually had other friends who accepted me, and I had boys interested in me even after meeting my other friends. I literally thank God for the break before I broke.

My first high school boyfriend was interested in my sister first but settled for me when she began going out with someone else. He broke up with me in order to pursue my best friend. My second high school boyfriend had no other girl he liked more (I think?) although he was pursuing one of my friends right before we started going out. I was second fiddle to his selfish desires. I was used when he wanted my companionship or for sexual fulfillment, but I was tossed aside when he wanted to be with his friends. We never had intercourse, but he told me after he dumped me that he thought it would have helped our relationship if I had given in. Neither of these young men were bad young men. If I had been more secure/mature, I would be remembering them as good friends from high school. Are you seeing my mistake? I was looking for these young men to validate me. If I had been secure, I may not have gone out with either of them.

In college, I guess I was so used to playing second fiddle, I picked a roommate who I thought was better at English, our major, than me. I was romantically interested in a series of boys. For one of those boys, I played second fiddle to whomever he was dating at the time. I let him flirt with me even when I knew he had a girlfriend. One time, I even went to a party with him and let him give me a long hug and a kiss on the forehead when he had another girlfriend. I am so glad that I saw how ridiculous I was being with him before I let myself ruin my relationship with Ryan.

I have never played second fiddle for Ryan. He has always loved me best. But, I expected to be second in his life. First, I tried to think he was just using me and didn't love me as much as I loved him, but that wasn't true. Then, I tried really hard for the first few years of marriage to play second fiddle. I was constantly asking if he wanted me to be more like his mom or his sister. No, he loves me.

Now, looking back over these memories, I see that Ryan's love for me is only a reflection of God's love for me. All those times when I felt second best, God was loving me because I was uniquely made by Him to be me--the first, only, and best me. How wonderfully healing!

I feel like I need to say before I close that these memories are just snapshots and not the whole picture. There were many, many times when I felt very loved and "first best." There were many times in addition to these that I felt very insecure, like when I felt like a second class woman because I wasn't a mom yet. The key is to picture God in the midst of all this hurt. What was He thinking? How was He seeing me? Through Jesus, He was seeing me as beautiful and as perfect as I've always longed to be. I pleased Him.

I encourage you to be brave enough to look at the times when you were hurt the most and imagine what God was thinking about you at that time (I've heard of doing this from other Christians, but I've not read it in the book--but I'm only halfway through). I encourage you to read Beth Moore's book, So Long Insecurity. I'm already planning to read it a second time with a notebook in hand.

A step closer to being a more secure person,

Jordon

Family Vacation/14th Week

Just tonight, we got home from vacation to Santa Fe with Ryan's family. While unpacking, Ryan and I (and baby) finished off a large Casey's pizza! We've never done that before :)

(For those of you keeping track of my effort to control acne with my diet, no, I shouldn't have had all that cheese...or bread. I was just enjoying one last day of vacation and filling a craving.)

It fits the theme of the vacation, really, because I grew quite a belly on vacation! I even popped a button off my shorts last night. I'm thinking I'll be transitioning into maternity clothes now. I act like I hate it, but really, I've looked forward to this my whole life. I was just telling Ryan's sister that when my sisters and I played Barbies we used half of plastic Easter eggs to make them pregnant. We also frequently stuffed our dresses when we played dress-up. As I got older, my dreams turned to intense longing to have a baby of my own. That I get to carry a baby is a big privilege. In quiet moments, I lie with my hands on my belly praising God and praying for my sweet child.

So, we went to Santa Fe to spend time with Ryan's family (including his grandma, aunts, uncle, and cousins). It was lovely! I told Ryan on the way home, "I like your family!" I really do.

Santa Fe is liberal and new-agey and a nice place to visit. It was interesting to see the history and architecture (buildings made of adobe). The area just North of Santa Fe in the mountains was beautiful. Ryan went trout fishing there a couple of days, and he was very successful one of the days--17 fish!

One day, we went on a almost three mile hike in the mountains. For a preggo girl who can be totally out of breath just sitting on the couch in Iowa, I did REALLY well on the hike! I think my body liked getting the blood flowing. I really need to get back to taking walks now that I'm home, but it's just so hot outside.

We stopped by Denver on the way home. I got to meet a very lovely couple from Ryan's family's past. Then, we stopped by Mile High Sports Authority Stadium before we left. Ryan was pretty happy. We looked at baby clothes and just couldn't decide what to get. We figured that by the football season after next baby will be wearing 12 month sized clothes, but Ryan and I couldn't decide what to get. Ryan's siblings told us they wanted to buy a sweet little windsuit, so we let them. Ryan decided to get three little footballs for baby. Ryan's dad kept picking up little pink outfits and dresses...we put his vote in the girl column.

Side note: So far, there are just three people voting boy. Everyone else thinks baby is a girl. Ryan and I are keeping our thoughts to ourselves, but we'll be thrilled either way! We'll find out at the end of August.

So, Ryan and I have spent the past three days in the car. I said we should have been keeping track of gas stations, fast food restaurants, and public restrooms. I think we used a lot of them! Now, it's time for me to enjoy being home, but I wanted to give a little update...especially for Jenna B.

Other pregnancy updates before I go: almost no morning sickness anymore, eating lots, tummy growing, energy levels normal, getting dizzy and/or lightheaded often, my bladder has no idea when I really have to go and when I don't, still thrilled and excited and happy :) oh! and bloating...How could I almost forget the bloating and gas? I have sympathy for those babies who need burped half-way through a meal!

Jordon


Update: I had to edit my post to add a few things I forgot: I liked the weather in Santa Fe, but it was less than ideal to get caught in heavy rain a couple of days :) Also, I forgot that I also get heartburn often...I think maybe forgetting could be another symptom?

Comfort

This past weekend, we had a big family get together on my mom's side of the family. We had all 52 family members in one picture to celebrate Grandpa's and Grandma's 55th wedding anniversary. They have 22 great-grandchildren with another 3 on the way! We like babies in our family.

Anyway, being in that same area, my parents, my sister with her little ones, and I spent the night with my dad's parents. I spent the night in the same room as my sister and her little ones. Her middle child is just weeks away from being two. He LOVES Thomas the Train, talks (mostly gibberish) all the time, loves to run and race, and makes his "cross" face to get a laugh.

In the middle of the night last night, there were fireworks going off at the nearby casino. I don't know if this woke the little guy up, or if he would have woken up anyway. He and I (and a number of other people on my dad's side of the family) don't sleep deeply and wake up numerous times during the night. He started yelling, "Mommy!" My sister held him, and comforted him saying, "I'm here. I'm here. I'm here." I thought how scary it must be for the little guy to be in a strange place around strange people and to wake up to strange noises in the middle of the night. I thought how powerful a comfort my sister's presence must be to him.

It was a beautiful picture of God's comforting presence when we are in dark strange places in our lives. Regardless of the circumstances just His presence is enough to comfort us. He holds us close and says, "I'm here. I'm here. I'm here."

My sweet nephew wouldn't have been comforted nearly as much by anyone else. He needed someone who has taken care of him consistently. He needed someone he knows he can trust.

In the same way, God comforts us when we know we can trust Him. If we don't take the time to know who He is, His comfort is much less effective in the hard times.

If you couldn't infer it from my story, I want to make sure you know that my sister is an excellent, loving, and patient mommy who is well loved by her kids. I love her and them very much!

Get to know your Comforter. Build your trust in Him. It makes the dark times okay.

Love to you all,
Jordon

Why I'm Staying Home from the Movie

Sprinkled in my Pinterest feed are quotes about Magic Mike. Women, let's take a step back and "think with the heads on our shoulders" like we ask men to do.

If there were a movie about strippers staring a bunch of hott actresses, many women would be upset and banning their husbands from watching. I think women have a double standard for themselves. I understand. I used to think it was okay for me to call an actor hott, but not for my husband to call an actress hott. Wrong!

Let's be honest, women are going to go to the movie for the sole purpose of lusting after the actors in the movie. By lusting after them, I mean having a sexual desire for them. Have you seen a preview that gives the plot at all? Hollywood advertisers know the reason women are going to see the movie. As a quote on Pinterest said, "Magic Mike- Seriously, does it matter what this movie's about?" Pictured are all of the actors with their shirts off.

If you're not seeing the problem, think of David's affair with Bathsheba. How did it start? He watched her bathe. Hollywood is selling tickets for you to watch people bathe! If a woman wishes she could touch that actor or be the actress he's kissing, she's lusting and committing adultery in her heart! (See further explanation below.) This is perhaps more obvious in Magic Mike than in other movies, but there are many chick-flicks that might cause your thoughts to switch from being entertained to having a sexual desire for the actor or the character. Guard your thoughts! Don't watch those movies.

Jesus said, in Matthew 5:28, "But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart." Do you think this only applies to men looking at women? I think not. I am sure Jesus means also that anyone who looks at a man lustfully has already committed adultery with him in her heart as well.

Is it only the movie industry that uses this idea in society that women lusting is not a problem? No! Romance novels. But, romance novels are trashy and poorly written? So all the classy women read books like Twilight and Shades of Grey. Much better. Disguised romance books.

My Sisters, I am heartbroken that some of you get pulled in to thinking this is harmless. This movie clearly gives us the opportunity to sin. I think watching this movie will cause women to move from "harmless" entertainment to lusting very quickly. Lusting is a sin. Sin is serious, so serious that Jesus was willing to die to get rid of it.

Honestly, I am speaking out about this movie and the sin it will cause, but I sin. I knowingly sin. I hate that I do it. If people who sin aren't allowed to speak out against sin, then we might as well let sin take over because no one could speak out against it.

It is so great that God created an outlet for this desire. It doesn't have to be difficult to stay away from this sin of lusting if we are married. We simply have to redirect our sexual desire toward our husbands. If you married him, I am assuming it won't be too difficult to choose to find him attractive instead of actors or characters.

I am planning on spending my free time with my husband instead of watching or reading books that would pull my desire away from him and cause me to sin. It'll be easy for me. Ryan's very hott, but none of you are allowed to agree. He's mine!

My desire is for my husband only, and may your desire be for your husband only.

Jordon

Control

I've been thinking a lot about how much or how little control we have over our lives, how we like to have control, and the freedom that comes from not having control.

When Ryan was in danger in Iraq, I know he felt much better when he could move away or shoot back. When he had some control over the danger, by the way he told the stories to me, he seemed to have little fear at all. He really is a brave, brave man! However, when he told the stories of times when he didn't have control, he seemed to be much more stressed. (Don't go imagining any specifics. These are really general statements. I don't think Ryan wants me to share much of what he experienced.)

My grandpa has been diagnosed with ALS. He is very interested in all sorts of different treatments to gain some control over this disease that has taken control from him. It is so heartbreaking, but understandable.

When I was trying to get pregnant, I wanted to do anything I could to be in control of getting pregnant as soon as possible. But, I wasn't in control, and I'm glad it happened in God's timing.

My point is that many of us humans long for control over our own lives, but I've come to see we miss out hugely with that attitude. Trusting God's control gives freedom and peace in every situation.

When I started these different diets, I wanted control of my acne. There have been plenty of people in my life from strangers to family members who wanted to help me control my acne, too. But, I broke out trying to get control. Now that I'm on a more relaxed diet (and I cheat often), I am clearing up.

Obviously, we are somewhat in control of our health. We can make good choices in our diet, exercise habits, and choice of doctors and treatments, but ultimately, it won't save us from anything from a fatal disease to an embarrassing skin condition or anything in between.


I've started praying nightly for God to be in control of all parts of my life, but especially in the clearing up of my face since it is bothering me so much. I confess to Him that I vainly want to look better. I tell Him I know He could clear up my face with the smallest amount of effort possible. I tell Him I trust Him to clear my skin in His time and teach me along the way. Often when I ask for a particular area of my face to improve, He answers me! It has been trust-building, relationship-building practice, and it has been a wonderful thing for my attitude about the way I look.


I could stress out about eating right, and I may or may not see more progress, but I would be taking on all that responsibility. If the right foods are healing me, it is only because God created me that way and wills it so. The reality is that many pregnant women struggle with acne throughout pregnancy. I really have no control over my hormones or God's healing. I have no reason to feel guilty, responsible, or stressed. There is GREAT FREEDOM in releasing the responsibility to Him!


God is in control. We are not. There is great freedom in trusting Him. Human nature helped along by Satan's lies in our ears pushes us towards wanting control, but that feeling steals away the freedom of trusting God!


Please pray for me as I am going to be spending time with family in the coming weeks and will probably explain what "I'm" doing to "fix" my problem over and over again. Pray that I will be able to keep this freedom in trusting God and minister to others through my trust in God's timing and healing. On a different note, pray that I will be able to remember that I am still my valuable and loved self no matter my skin condition.


Thanks for the love, support, and prayers!


Jordon


P.S. I feel somewhat guilty that this isn't specifically about the baby or pregnancy. I'll just remind you: I'm thrilled about my new little baby! Morning sickness and exhaustion are lessening. Shortness of breath and dizziness are increasing. My tummy has slowed down in growing, but I'm ready for it to start growing again. I have a box of borrowed maternity clothes from my sister :) Yesterday, I reached 11 weeks. I'm almost done with my first trimester!

Yeah, Baby!

Back in late April and early May I started having vivid dreams. It was like dreaming in HD. I also had the urge to "test" for seemingly no good reason. I held off until May 4 when I had been having cramps for a day and a half but nothing else "normal." Sorry if that's TMI. I had the afternoon off from school, so I stopped to buy a test. I couldn't wait until the next morning, so I held it (which is really hard in early pregnancy) for the four hours (by the time I got home I think I only had two and a half to wait). I took the test and left the bathroom. Just as I was going back in to look, Ryan walked in the door. I had no idea he'd be home from work early, but it was perfect that he was! At 2:45 we walked into the bathroom together. I sort of hid behind him, and when I saw the a line in both windows I jumped up and down and squealed! Ryan hugged me and laughed. He gets more and more excited everyday.

Of course you all know by now my first pregnancy symptom was acne. Sigh. I really didn't want to admit it was the pregnancy for a few reasons. First, it would have meant that it would be around for weeks. Second, it would have meant there was little I could do to fix it. Third, I could face this with every pregnancy. But, finally, a couple of weeks ago I admitted to myself (with the help of the naturopath telling me) that it was the big hormone shift. Here's hoping it's just a first trimester thing! It continues to improve (s-l-o-w-l-y).

My morning sickness and tiredness waited to show up until I was done with school. I am so glad because I've really been a big baby about it. I take naps, eat snacks, play tetris, and watch reruns of Boy Meets World. I've started to have a bit more energy, and after this week, the house is starting to look decent again :) One of the best foods for me to eat that satisfies me and is relatively healthy is bananas, so Ryan has started calling the baby "Monkey."

Spiritually, this has been amazing. Instantly, so much hurt disappeared. It was a huge relief because I was so afraid that the hurt and jealousy that I'd struggled with for so long would stay and ruin my pregnancy and even my time with my baby, but it left because God's timing is always perfect. This is not to say that it was a sin to hurt or to long for a baby (the worry and jealousy were sins, though). I just want to assure all of you out there--no matter what the struggle--that God's timing is perfect if you are giving the situation over to Him and inviting Him to be Lord over it.

We told our parents by putting a picture of the first ultra-sound with a frame that said "Happy Father's Day Grandpa!" in our dads' Father's Day cards. We mailed my dad's. I guess my dad was concerned with reading his card first, but my mom could tell it was a picture of an ultra-sound and kept telling him to look at the insert! He kept refusing, and she couldn't take his present out of his hands, so she had to be patient. It makes me laugh to picture it! We got to hand deliver the news to Ryan's dad. He looked at the insert right away and showed it to Ryan's mom. Both were glowing! Ryan's mom's reaction was everything I hoped! Surprise (maybe even disbelief at first), smiles, near bursting out of her skin. I knew she wanted a grandchild about as much as I wanted a baby :)

I am so thrilled you all know now! YAY!

Jordon

P.S. Ryan and I can tell I'm "showing." So, we expect the rest of you will be able to tell in a few weeks. Ryan keeps patting my tummy. Happy eye-roll!

Update

From the moment I walked into her office, I felt comforted, peaceful, and hopeful. The naturopathic doctor I saw was both kind and confident she could help. She said she had cystic acne at one time, and now she has nary a scar. (If anyone wants her name, just email me. She can help with many other issues besides acne.)

I didn't explain to her all I went through on the anti-candida diet, and when I mentioned it, she pointed out that the doctor who started the whole thing was named Crook. Obviously, she doesn't believe in it. The reason she thought that many people seemed to have success with it, especially at first like I did, was that it was similar to the blood type diet for Os which is what I and most other people are. She thinks that body's hormones are off balance and that the blood type diet will help to balance them out.

Honestly, I don't know what caused me to breakout so badly. I don't know if it was food I was eating, food I wasn't eating, taking probiotics, candida die-off, hormonal imbalance, or what. It's really frustrating to me that I don't know. I just don't.

The anti-candida diet seemed to get more and more restrictive the more research I did. The blood type diet is quite different. There are many good foods to eat, and it's not too big a deal if I mess up. The naturopathic doctor said I only have to do it 80%.  So, I am enjoying the new selection of food. I am feeling stronger and more energetic.

Other issues I had with the anti-candida diet are improving. For one, the glands in my neck are much less swollen. The one under my right ear has hardly been swollen at all the past few days, and I am looking forward to calling it normal in the next few. My face seems to be producing some of its own oil again. It was extremely dry. It also does not get so hot and itchy and painful at night as it was getting. I was waking up in the middle of the night because of it, but I'm not anymore.

The big issue, my terrible acne break-out, has not shown huge improvement. So bummed! It has shown just little improvements like it was at the end of the candida diet. I try not to analyze it too many times a day. Ideally, I wouldn't even analyze it daily. I know week to week I am making improvements. I just want so badly for a drastic improvement.

While I'm waiting for the diet's benefits to kick in, the naturopath gave me a skin regimen given to her by an old lady whose niece had seen a fancy dermatologist. The ND said it worked for her and that I might see improvement in 2-3 days (I'm dissappointed in how small the improvements have been if any). I wash my face with castile soap, cover my face in evaporated milk and let it dry, then I clean off the milk with Everclear. I have a big bottle of Everclear sitting in my bathroom. You should chuckle a little.

That's all the facts, but God's been teaching me and I've been feeling a lot. First, God has shown me I had pride as a motivator for many of my actions. My first feeling is I regret even starting this whole thing. I would give anything to have my face look like it did when I started. I am glad I learned what an impact diet has on acne, but I wish I would have stopped with cutting back on sugar. I feel embarrassed that my vanity brought all of this about. Its terribly ironic that many people didn't even know I had acne before I tried to fix it.

That is the next problem. I tried to fix it by doing my own research rather than asking for help. If I'd have looked for a naturopathic doctor before trying anything on my own, this would be so much better. Now, even if the new diet and regimen doesn't work, it is comforting to have a professional to call. Pride, pride, pride.

God is breaking me of my pride though. It's humbling to explain I don't know what happened. Prideful people hate to say we don't know. It's humbling to look like this. I'd rather have people admiring my skin than cringing at it. But, it's been good to be reassured by many people of my outer and inner beauty despite the monster living on my face. I am still experiencing anxiety when I have to see people, but I would say it's improving. It's humbling to say that I don't know if what I'm doing now will work. It's humbling to say that my vanity started it all.

God is also showing me that He works all things together for good. If I hadn't had terrible acne on my face, I wouldn't have gotten help from the naturopath. If I had still been in school while trying to figure this out, it would have been awful! Most of all, God is not letting this horrible experience by without using it to draw me closer to Him.

It's been humbling to have your help, too. I feel bad asking, but I am so thankful for your response.

Thanks for the love, encouragement, and prayers,

Jordon

Desperate for Hope

After dreading it all morning and snapping at Ryan for coming into the bathroom as I touched my face to put make-up on, I went to church.

The first person Ryan and I stop to talk to asks me, "What happened?" My heart stopped. He couldn't possibly be pointing out how terrible I look. I don't remember if I got out any words or not, but he gestured to the side of his face. Ouch!

I found some courage and humility. "I've always had a little acne. I went on a special diet to kill what I think is causing it, but killing it is releasing toxins. Basically, it's just a classic 'it'll get worse before it'll get better."

I saw it register, and he was sorry he asked. He made up for it by giving me the name of a naturopath in the area. I am so glad! I have been in way over my head for weeks now, but I couldn't find the name of anyone in the area. I am so hopeful that tomorrow when she gets to the office she will call, I will get an appointment right away, and I can have answers.

I was near tears during the entire worship service feeling like there was a spotlight on me and my dried out, blotchy, bumpy cheeks, but I found the courage to talk to people after the service.

I am still improving, but it is so slow and such a struggle everyday to continue to eat right. I lost another two pounds partly because I'd rather not eat than eat more fresh green vegetables. Today, I splurged just a bit. I didn't eat anything way off the diet, but I did enjoy a rice spaghetti with a sugar-free tomato sauce. So good!

Today, Ryan was talking with his mom, and I could tell she invited him to do something. I was so afraid that she might be driving by in the next few days and was wanting to take us out to eat that I whimpered and whined, "I hope not any time soon." That particular event is not until the end of July, but we are hoping to see Ryan's parents for Father's Day. That date scares me. Time can slow down, so my face has time to heal.

Worse, I was reading online that there is no guarantee or even probability that getting rid of a candida overgrowth will completely cure acne problems. I am going to deal with the scars from this breakout for at least six months if not for the rest of my life, and these are not even the last pimples I will have. It's not worth it! This whole stupid difficult diet is not worth it! I really didn't have other symptoms of candida, and I was doing it just for my acne. I regret starting this!

I can't live like this any more. I can't live with having anxiety about seeing people I know and love. I am desperate for to talk to the naturopath tomorrow. I am desperate for her to have answers for me.

Please pray and hope with me for answers soon.

Jordon

P.S. Ryan is really being wonderful with this.

Go Away, Die-off!

Since my last post, I continued with my diet, and my acne got much worse and hasn't improve much yet. It got far and away the worst it's ever been. It was painful (but that has improved). I hate going out in public, but I had a bunch of after school events to go to anyway. I have definitely cried over this a few times. Bless my dear husband and his patience and love!

Why would eating healthy foods cause my skin to get worse?

It's this thing called die-off. When trying to kill candida albicans yeast, die-off is being too successful. The candida is dying, but it is also releasing something like 79 toxins as it dies. My body's go-to filter after the liver, kidneys, and colon is my face. So, the die-off reaction is good confirmation that I do in fact have a candida overgrowth, and I am, in fact, killing it.

Obviously, having toxins in my body for weeks is a major concern above and beyond how I look. Besides the acne, the some glands in my neck have been swollen for weeks. I've felt extra tired a few days and lost weight from the change in diet and the stress on my body. This is serious stuff.

So, I got some advice from people who've also struggled with candida. I am now taking another supplement and being even more strict on my diet. It's REALLY, REALLY hard.

Good news: I think I am winning! The swelling in my glands is going down. My face is clearing (but not fast enough--I still look terrible). I've seen some other evidence that the candida is leaving my body.

What next? Once I am symptom free for a while, I can add fruits and grains and starchy vegetables back into my diet. Then, I can go off the diet, but I'll always need to limit sugars and starches so an overgrowth doesn't happen again.

Please keep praying that my acne clears up quickly! Although most of the physical pain of it is gone, it is still very emotionally painful.

Really, God has blessed me. I am seeing results much faster than many people. God is teaching me and loving me through this. The prayers have helped already.

Jordon

Fighting Acne

A huge part of my life recently (and almost everyday since I was twelve) has been fighting my acne. This is a long, long story, but since it's been so huge in my life, I want to share it.

I've tried many, many products (Neutrogenia, Clearasil, Proactiv, Murad, Clinique, Mary Kay, Arbonne, and MaxClarity), and I've been to see two dermatologists in addition to talking to my regular doctor. Somethings worked for a little while, and some things made it worse. Proactiv worked for a while, but then made it worse later. I saw some results with both Clinique and Arbonne. The best results were from MaxClarity. Murad made it much, much worse. Both of the dermatologists wanted to do two things: antibiotics and a retinol treatment. The first time I tried retinol, it was terribly harsh. The second time I tried it it helped. The first time I was prescribed antibiotics my mom refused and the dermatologist was so disgusted he didn't offer anything else. The second time I was prescribed antibiotics I took them, and they made me sick to my stomach. The second dermatologist also prescribed "acne surgery" which actually helped. They would steam my face, put exfoliants on it, and push gunk out of my pores. This actually helped. I also tried topical antibiotics which dried out my face and only worked for a brief time. I think that's everything I've tried before the last couple of months.

So, here I am half my life later. For the past several months, my grandpa kept suggesting I have a Candida Yeast overgrowth. It's actually hurt me quite a bit that he would see my acne as such a problem. I had gotten to  the point where I was content with having minor breakouts all the time and knowing my friends and family loved me anyway. I felt that his constantly wanting to talk about it was offensive, and I told him so.

FYI: Everyone has Candida in their system. However, things like antibiotics, birth control, poor diet, and even the chlorine in our water can cause good bacteria to die allowing the yeast to over grow and release toxins which can cause all sorts of terrible problems in our bodies. Most of this happens in the intestines. This is sort of an alternative medicine idea, but the more I learn about it, the more I believe it.

Back to the story...after my grandpa hurt my feelings, and I told him not to talk to me about it anymore...

I looked up Candida Yeast and acne anyway. I found a book called, Acne Free in 3 Days. Now, I wasn't going to buy it from the website, but I found it on Amazon for about $6, so I read it and tried it. Much of what the author said made a lot of sense, however, I think for someone with severe acne or a Candida Yeast overgrowth, the three day method will not work. It helped (at first), but did not work for me. I could try the three day thing again, and I probably will later. I read the book in early March. At that point, I had already cut most sugars from my diet which had helped tremendously. I did the three day thing, and it helped, but not drastically. Then, a week later, my whole face became bumpy. ICK! It's stayed bumpy.

It is still bumpy. I think the cause of this was that I tried doing away with my regimin of over the counter salicylic acid and benzoyl peroxide face washes. I would have still been using MaxClarity, but they stopped producing for a few months, and I never reordered because with the retinol the over the counter washes were working. However, when Ryan came home I had to do away with using the retinol because it may cause birth defects, and we have been "trying."

I'd been watching what I eat after doing the three day thing as recommended by the book and other websites that I found. That means no sugar, no bread, no mushrooms, no vinegar, no white potatoes, no dairy (except all natural full fat yogurt), no, no, no lots of stuff. What got me through? I could eat natural peanut butter (so I thought). I also, as recommended by the book, started taking garlic pills and acidophilus (probiotic) pills.

I continued to try to diet and do research on Candida. I was having very few large pimples, and I even had some days with no large pimples. The more I researched, the more Candida just made sense as the cause of my breakouts since high school.

Last weekend (and to a lesser degree for two weeks before), I ate foods I shouldn't have eaten. I broke out terribly! This week, even though I've been back on my diet, I haven't really recovered. So, I reordered MaxClarity. It's what's worked the best topically. I also did more research on Candida diets. My wonderful peanut butter that was the only thing I enjoyed eating probably contains molds and is therefore off-limits! Bummer! But, if it answers the question as to why I'm not clearing up, then it's okay.

The more research I do, I am also coming to the conclusion that I need to get a pill that is stronger/has more probiotics. I am not comfortable taking some of the ones like ThreeLac that are recommended to get rid of Candida because they have probiotic not naturally found in the body. I also added olive leaf extract to the garlic pills to kill the yeast.

So, an example of what I'll be eating now: Today, I ate yogurt with fresh blueberries (fruit is mostly off limits, but berries have antifungal properties and, therefore, are okay), scrambled eggs, sunflower seeds, a hard boiled egg, guacamole with garlic (another anitfungal) and pecan crackers (yes, there is such a thing), carrots, celery, tilapia, and spinach with olive oil and lemon juice for dressing. It's not what I'd like to be eating, but I think it's good for me.

The good part about all of this is that the probiotics and diet should be perfectly healthy to continue during a pregnancy if I am blessed with a baby during this process. Hopefully, once I've killed off the overgrowth which could take months, I can eat like a normal person sometimes, but I'll probably always need to be careful.

Hopefully this works, but if it doesn't, I learned a long time ago that my acne is not me, that those who love me best don't see it, and that I won't have it in heaven.

Blessings,
Jordon

5 Months Later

Ryan's  been home for about five months. I can't believe how quickly the time has flown by. After five months back  living together, I have another little insight into military deployments and marriages for you.

Ryan and I spent the first few months in a "second honeymoon" feeling. We've just been so happy to be together that we've over-looked faults and annoying habits. We've probably also tried harder not to annoy each other.

A few days ago we had our first real frustration with each other. It wasn't really a fight, but his annoying habits brought out my annoying habits which brought out his anger which brought out mine. I didn't even want to sleep next to him. Instead of grabbing my pillow to head for the couch, I grabbed his hand, and he held mine.

I realized that it's definitely an okay thing and maybe even a good thing that we are getting used to being together again. Not that I want to take being together for granted, but we can't just go on in a honeymoon feeling. What's left after that feeling is gone is better. It's the commitment. It's the understanding that even though we are both annoying and angry, we aren't going to leave (the bed or the marriage).

Jordon

P.S. I have another small insight for you. We have a new routine. I'll be talking about something. Ryan will say "I didn't know that." I'll start thinking really hard about when it happened. Ryan will ask, "Was that last year?" I'll say, "Yep. Well, now you know." :) Can you imagine what it'd be like to miss out on a year of your life? He missed everything from new roads and stores to graduations and weddings to the everyday feelings and experiences of life in a marriage or family. Yes, I talked to him and told him, but where he was--working as hard as he was--made it difficult for him to even place the events and feelings of home in his mind. It's interesting.

A Journey of Revelation

Revelation. Yep, I mean the last book of the Bible. The one almost no one understands. The one I read every year but do not understand. I know it is God's Word and therefore just as worthy of study as any other book in the Bible. I'm just a little scared. If a bunch of brilliant pastors and theologians don't agree and don't understand Revelation, how will I?

Last week, we finished a unit in Bible class. It was focused on service and missions called Sharing Your Faith and Serving Others by Jim Burns. I felt equipped to teach this subject. I had the opportunity to talk with my students about donating my hair and blood and about going on mission trips to Sri Lanka and Mexico. I was challenged to be less selfish, more aware of needs around me, and more bold about sharing my faith. I often get as much or more out of our Bible studies than my students do, but I think most of my students gained from it and were challenged by it.

So, as we finished, I was hoping to find another great study. I asked the kids what they would like to study. "Is there any subject or book of the Bible you always wanted to know more about?"

Most of them said "End Times" or "Revelation."

In my mind I said, OH, CRAP!

I ordered two books to help me. A youth-group aimed book to use for teaching and a slightly deeper adult study book for me.

I've not even finished teaching one whole lesson (which takes about 3 class periods), I've not even finished one chapter in the other book, and I've not even finished studying the first chapter of Revelation, but already I am seeing some very awesome, very understandable themes.

(I try to avoid those super long compound sentences-not really good grammar-, but they're my weakness and Faulkner used them! You like my English teacher comments, right? Well, I can't help myself sometimes, and yet I fear that you find many typos and grammar mistakes. Really, it's probably my pride that makes me point out my own mistakes.)

The awesome main points of Revelation highlighted by both studies:

1. It's all about Jesus!

2. God is in control.

Those two statements are so simple yet so HUGE and so pivotal to everything I believe. They are two truths that are reassuring on the large scale when looking at all of human history, and they are just as reassuring as I look at today, the coming weeks, the coming months, and the coming years in my own life. They are the two main lessons God's taught me in the past few years.

I'm dreading studying and teaching Revelation less and less, and I'm becoming more and more excited about this journey!

Jordon

Trust Me!

I am sorry I blog so infrequently. We had History Fair at school a couple weeks ago, so I was coming home pretty exhausted. If you want my best writing, you want me to be well rested.

God has been teaching me a BIG lesson, and He's used my own words to do it.

A common scene from my classroom: I go up in front of the class to teach. I go to the board and write a math problem (or a timeline, or a sentence to diagram, or any number of things depending which class I'm teaching). I get a variety of reactions from the kids.

"We already know this."

"I hate learning about this."

"This is too hard! I'll never get it!"

"What does this have to do with what we are learning?"

I know that I am adding new information. I am trying to find a new way to explain it to make it easier and therefore more fun to learn. I know how it all connects. They need to just give me time to teach, and they need to trust me!

One day, I say (sometimes I yell in frustration) over my shoulder as I am writing, "Just trust me!" I've been their teacher for at least seven-eighths of a school year. Don't they remember that in every lesson before, I've given them something new, made it easy to understand, and connected it back to what we've been learning?

Then...(you see where this is going?)...

God says back, "Just trust Me."

But, God, I already know this, It's too hard to learn, I don't like learning it, and I'm not sure how what You are doing to me in my life will teach me anything!

"Just trust Me." Don't I remember how faithful God has been in the past? Don't I remember how He's given me what I need? Don't I remember how everything's come together in ways better than I could have imagined?

I have to acknowledge daily that God knows what new lessons I need. He knows exactly how to teach me. He can see how everything connects. I just need to give Him time and trust Him.

Sigh. It's so hard!

Trying to trust God and waiting to see where this lesson is going,

Jordon

When Changing Our Priorities Shouldn't Change Our Actions

So, after my last post, I am left with a really difficult and important question. How do I do what I need to do and should do and all the while keep my motivations and thoughts focused on God?

Surely, God would want me to take good care of my house and my body. Those are two biggies for me right now. So, I have to clean, exercise, and eat right, but my motivation must not become pride or vanity. I easily get so caught up in worrying about what other people think of what my house looks like or what I look like. Forgive me for stating the obvious, but my motivation needs to be bringing honor to God.

How does one practically bring honor to God in everyday things? Well, I was just riding my bike and thanking Him for the ability to do so, for my health, and for giving me a body to take care of. (Yes, I ended a sentence in a preposition, but "of which to take care" sounded dumb.) I know that keeping my body in relatively good shape allows me to go on walks, bike rides, runs, and hikes with my husband. Anything that builds our marriage brings glory to God.

I could also thank God for my cute little house and use it to show others hospitality and love.

Bottom line: I need to take care of my house and body because I am thankful for them and want God to be able to use them.

So, to piggy-back on my last post, keeping God as our top priority or thought priority is not always about changing our actions, but many times about changing our motivations, our thoughts, our hearts.

I bump into the idea that motivation is important to God so very, very often.

1 Samuel 16:7b says, "People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."

Jordon

Thought Priority

A few days ago, I was reading the first letter in the Screwtape Letters to my junior high students. C.S. Lewis explains things so clearly and still inspires (and requires) thinking. What a wonderful combination for junior high students! If you haven't read it, it is a book made up of letters to Wormwood from his uncle, Screwtape. The letters are advice--from one demon to another--about keeping humans away from the "Enemy." Of course, for us, the book brings to light what we let distract us from God.

There is part where Screwtape describes to Wormwood how he successfully kept a man from thinking deep, logical thoughts which would have led him to God by planting in his mind thoughts about lunch. Screwtape advises Wormwood to keep his "patient" thinking about the "ordinary."

So, I examined my thoughts. Whether I have been persuaded by demons or not, I don't know. But, I have been thinking rather ordinary thoughts. I have been obsessed with finding natural ways to cure acne, making natural shampoos and soaps, keeping the house clean, starting and sticking to a exercise routine, what to make for supper this week, etc. My thoughts and time so easily are taken up with all the things I should do that I thank and seek God less and less often. A case of the "shoulds" inevitably leads to worry and stress.

The day after reading C.S. Lewis to my Bible class and evaluating how caught up I get in my ordinary thoughts, we started a new unit in Bible. It is about priorities. Yep, God was making it very clear.

I won't beat you over the head with the message. Here's the central verse:

Matthew 6:33

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

I am sure if you've been a Christian for even a short while, God has brought this verse to your attention before. I've certainly worked on this in my life before now, but I needed a reminder, do you?

Seeking Him,

Jordon

Mountain Perspective

Ryan and I went and hiked the mountains near Ouray, Colorado right before Christmas, so this post has been cooking for over a month now.

Have you ever heard of a muckraker? My senior high history class read about them last week. They were journalists who always pointed out the negative. They were named muckrakers by President Theodore Roosevelt. They were named after a character in John Bunyan's Pilgrim's Progress. The "Man with the Muck-rake" was too focused on the filth he was trying to clean to see salvation. If he'd only looked up, he would have been truly clean.

I discovered the importance and the beauty of looking up while Ryan and I hiked. I needed to focus on the snow covered paths as we hiked. I needed to watch my step and look at the trail. I got so exhausted breathing that high altitude air and exercising leg and butt muscles I don't use enough. I would need to bend over and just breathe. I would feel like the hike was pointless.

There was one cure for my exhaustion and my feeling that hiking was pointless. I looked up and out. I could see how high we'd climbed. I could see beautiful mountains right across from me and the town laid out below me. I could see a view I couldn't have seen if I hadn't climbed and if I hadn't looked up.

After we got home, Ryan downloaded our hikes from his wrist GPS into the computer, and we got yet another perspective of how far we went and how high we went. It was exciting and satisfying to see!

So much of the past year of Ryan being gone and unhappily waiting to have kids I've been looking down-getting through the day like I was getting through the next few feet on the trail. I should have looked up more often. I should have looked up to God and thanked Him for His plans for me.

I was able to thank God for the beauty of the mountain I climbed in Ouray. Now, I am starting to thank God for the beauty of the mountain I climbed while waiting. Like the climbing provided me with a beautiful view I could not have enjoyed without climbing. The difficult season in my life has provided me a closeness to God and a maturity I could not have gained without it.

I know there are many mountains to climb in every life, but I hope that you and I will always remember to look up unlike the "Man with the Muck-rake." I want to remove my focus from the filth of life and put my focus on the hope and salvation I have in God through Christ.

Looking up,

Jordon

Discipline

So, it's been a month and a half since my last blog. That's not too bad, except that it's been two months since I've exercised or eaten mostly healthy foods in a day, and two months since I've really got the house completely clean. Ryan has taken over many other little tasks around the house. Basically, I've not been doing much lately. Clearly, I'm lacking discipline.

It's hard to find discipline there between uptight perfectionism and laziness. As in many other areas of life, I bounce from one side of the spectrum to the other, but rarely stay balanced for long.

Having Ryan home and the holidays have really disrupted my routine. I needed to be relaxed and able to enjoy having him home, but I think I've slipped too far in that direction. I'm making an effort this week to bounce back from the laziness side of the spectrum.

The plan is to set three goals a day (for the time I'm home).

Hopefully, it'll work, and, hopefully, I won't turn into an uptight perfectionist (I think my husband would rather I be lazy).

I believe discipline is biblical. Self-discipline is listed as a Fruit of the Spirit (Galations 5:22) and Paul tells Timothy that God has given him (us) a spirit of self-discipline (2 Timothy 1:7). So, this is not something I need to create in myself, but something there for the using. God has already given it to me.

To practice this skill I've been given, I am blogging (instead of watching Downton Abbey or beading), and I will soon be cleaning the bathroom.

Until next blog (coming soon because I have discipline!),

Jordon