It's Okay to Have a Bad Day

On Sunday, I woke up missing Ryan. I exercised. I showered. I did my hair. I struggled to get dressed. Most of my summer shirts are bright, and I felt...well, not bright. I did get dressed (in a brown shirt) and put make-up on. When it was time to leave for church, I put on sweat pants, a t-shirt, and a movie.

People keep telling me that I am being strong. It's not true, and it's okay that it's not true. I feel like I can't talk about my bad days without causing someone to worry about me. The truth is, I have weak days, weak hours, and weak moments. I think it's okay!

I think it's okay to spend some time crying on the couch. (I am not so sure it's okay to watch movies to block out the pain.) I think it's okay to talk about having a bad day.

In a my weakness, I find strength in God's promises. Memorized verses help. I also find that if I get up and make an effort to be with people, I snap out of it.

BUT.....It's okay if I (chose to) stay upset for a little while!

Here's why I say it's okay. If I am always pretending to be strong, I will push God away. Real strength comes from Him. He is my strength. He is near to the brokenhearted.

So, don't worry about me or try to cheer me up. It's okay if I have a bad day.

(I give you permission to worry if it drags on longer than a few days.)

Love you all!
Jordon

A New Phase

I think this will be a short post.

I have gone through many different phases during Ryan's deployment. Phases during which I felt like I just wanted to sleep through life until he gets home. Phases of being short tempered. Phases of being at peace. Phases of crying every night. Phases of not feeling much of anything. Phases of motivation and energy.

Recently, I have entered a new phase. It is a phase of appreciation. Not that I am appreciating the deployment itself, but I am appreciating what it has given Ryan and I.

I have had time to spend with family and friends without feeling bad for leaving a husband at home or (sometimes worse) dragging him along with me.

I have a new strength because I have learned to rely on God more. I have a confidence in God and in myself that I didn't have before.

I have been somewhat forced to make new friends and be more outgoing because I don't have Ryan as my companion in social situations.

I have a deeper love for Ryan which has grown in ways it couldn't have grown without going through this hardship together, and I think Ryan has a deeper love for me, too.

I know we both have an increased appreciation for the time we get to spend together. I know we both have an increased appreciation and excitement for our future because we have had to wait for it.

(Okay, one of my weaknesses is making too many comparisons, but I am going to do it anyway.) Sure, other couples have had the year together, and if we had our choice, we would pick having the year together, but because of the year apart we are gaining a maturity that other couples might not have had the chance to gain.

I know all along I was supposed to "consider it pure joy" (James 1:2). That seemed flat out impossible! In fact, pure joy (which I realize is different than happiness) still seems a little beyond what I am feeling or can make myself feel, but I am feeling an appreciation. It is an appreciation which I know will grow in the future.

Love you all,
Jordon

Onward

One of my goals this summer is to listen to or read all eight Anne of Green Gables books. I was listening to Anne of the Island on my way to Tama on Friday. I was listening to the part about Ruby Gillis's death. Ruby was upset about death because, even though she was sure she would go to heaven, she would be leaving all that was familiar to her.

"She had laid up her treasures on earth only; she had lived only for the little things of life--the things that pass--forgetting the great things that go onward into eternity, bridging the gulf between the two lives and making of death a mere passing from one dwelling to the other--from twilight to unclouded day."

I have heard that there are only two things we take to heaven with us: our relationship with God and our relationship with people. It was a huge blessing that I got to spend so much time building relationships with people whom I love this weekend. I spent time with high school best friends (I'll try to catch you next time, Jenna), both of my grandmas, Grandpa Hoskey, some of my cousins, and my aunts and uncles.

Death was a theme of more than one conversation. We talked about how death can come suddenly to anyone at anytime. If God decides my work on Earth is done whether in the next few minutes or 60 years from now. I will "graduate" to heaven. It won't be unfamiliar because I know God, and I have a relationship with Him.

On the other hand, I do get caught up in the things that pass. Don't you? I hope to seek to do things that bridge the gulf between the two lives. What a great way to evaluate the use of our times and energies!

Jordon

Familiar

I want to thank you if you've been one of the people in the past few days who've been concerned or praying for me. I appreciate it. I love people praying for me! I do well and stay cheerful most days. Every now and then I have a day or an hour or even just a minute when I am lonely, discouraged, or fearful, but mostly I am okay. It is beautiful that when we reach the end of ourselves, God's strength shows up! I am sure your prayers and God are the reasons I am doing so well.

Now to my thoughts...

The main reason I love to video chat with Ryan is to see his mannerisms. The way he stretches, the way he yawns, the way he looks when he is reading, the way his fingers move, the way he snorts when he has sinus drainage, and the way he smiles are all so wonderfully familiar. It is part of my love for him and my intimacy with him to be familiar with these things.

Here's the cool part. Davids says, in Psalm 139:3, "You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways." God knows and loves each of us intimately. He is familiar with all our ways! He is familiar with all our ways even more than I am familiar with all Ryan's ways. It blows a the idea of a far off uninterested God away!

I have been memorizing Psalm 139. I am only working on verses 7 and 8 now. It has been so good! I encourage you to at least read it and think about memorizing it yourself. I do two verses at a time.

Love,
Jordon

Weep With Those Who Weep

One of the first, if not the first, Bible verses I memorized (out of my cute Precious Moments Bible with the obnoxiously pink and lacy cover) was Romans 12:15 which says, "Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep." It is a very important instruction. Let me tell you, from experience now, people do not like to be told the positives of their negative situation. (I think there is a Proverb that says this, but I don't know where it is.) It is much more comforting if the person trying to comfort feels bad with the person who needs comforting.

Since Ryan has been gone, I have experienced this truth in a different way than I have before. There are a few (meant to be) encouraging phrases I hear which are actually not encouraging. If you have said one of these things to me, I looked at your intent. I appreciated you were trying to be encouraging. I appreciated you care.

1. At least you can talk everyday, people in past wars did not have that chance. True. I appreciate it and exercise the ability I have to talk to my husband. We talk everyday using skype chat (sorry, let me make this very clear, typing instant messages). However, my husband is still not sitting in the same room with me. He's just not. Also, his internet does not work perfectly. There are times I sit for anywhere from a few minutes to an hour waiting for his connection to come back. If I was writing letters, that would not be a problem--just saying. Also, there is no way for him to tell me when he will be online. There are nights he works late, and on those nights I have sat near the computer for as long as 4 hours waiting for him to get online. Oh, and his time schedule is not always convenient. I stay up later than I really care to talking to him which isn't so bad now that I don't have to get up for school. Lastly, it partly feels like people are saying that just to make themselves feel better, so that they can think that military members and spouses don't really have it that bad. (Too harsh? Sorry, being brutally honest.) Last thing, I do skype video chat with Ryan, but generally we go a week or two in between because of the internet connection. I don't know how often other military couples chat, but I think some of you assume Ryan and I see each other face to face and hear each others' voices more often than that.

2. Oh, he gets leave? How great he gets to come home! Yes. It is great he gets to come home, but please don't make a bigger deal about those two weeks than you do about all the other weeks we must be apart. (I haven't seen my husband since the day after Christmas.)

3. He'll be home in August? That's coming up quickly! Okay, considering all the weeks he's been gone, yes, I guess August isn't that far away. But, it is kind of like running a marathon. Sure, a few more miles isn't hard, except if you've ran 20+ miles already, and you're tired. And, how would you be feeling if you weren't going to see your spouse or loved one for 7 weeks? I've heard some of you get upset over 2 weeks.

4. At least he's in Iraq and not Afghanistan. This one might be my fault. I said this to comfort myself before he left. The truth is, there are still plenty of people in Iraq who want to kill him and who have tried.

As many of you know, Ryan being gone is just part of my pain this year. Ryan's deployment caused us to make the decision to wait to have children which has been hard for me, but God is healing that wound. I hear many positive comments about that too which sometimes hurt more than help.

When you know anyone who has something difficult and negative in their lives, God calls us to "weep with those who weep." Not solve their problems. Not point out the positives in their situation.

Lastly, I know that I have been guilty too. Forgive me?

Jordon

Who am I?

Who am I? I am a teacher (both my job and a part of my personality). I am a wife. I am a daughter and sister. I am a perfectionist...

I don't really need to go on. It occurred to me that having a sense of who I am often provides a sense of security, but there is a big problem with that!

I got home last night from babysitting my cousin's six kids. She has them so well trained and they are so obedient that it was really pretty easy, except for Thursday night. Two hours past their bedtime, the two-year-old was crying, "MOMMY!" The four-year-old was crying, "I miss Mommy and Daddy." The almost seven-year-old and eight-year-old kept getting about of bed because the thunder woke them up, the lightening woke them up, they were worried about their sisters, and they missed their mommy and daddy, too.

Finally, I said, if it would help, the eight-year-old could call her mom and dad. My cousin comforted her kids over the phone, then asked me, "How are you doing?" Ten years ago, maybe even five years ago, as a babysitter, this would have stressed me out! I would have been worried about losing my identity as a good babysitter and a future mom. This time, I was secure. I knew that their crying didn't change who I am. They just missed their mom. Because I wasn't worried about keeping my own identity secure, I had more compassion for those poor little girls. Make sense?

My grandma was a great mother. It was what she wanted to be when she was a little girl. She had five kids whom she continues to mother plus grandkids and great-grandkids she also mothers. Here's the problem with her finding her identity in motherhood: when her youngest moved out she had a very, very hard time. Her grown kids don't care to be mothered anymore. Her grandkids have mothers already. (Don't get the wrong impression of Grandma. She's awesome. She's done many cool things that don't have to do with being a mother. Most importantly to me, she is a wonderful grandmother.)


My friend was telling me about a fight she had with her husband. They made up, but the fight was bad enough that she thought about what life would be like if she wasn't a wife anymore. She wasn't sure who she is without her husband.

I could be fired from teaching (or just stop being a teacher). My husband could divorce me or be gone for a year. My family could disown me. I don't think some of these things will happen, but you can see how dangerous it would be to find my identity and security being a teacher, wife, daughter, or sister. I could totally lose who I am.

What about my personality? That won't change, right? I hope it does! There are many character traits (like perfectionism) I hope go away, and many I hope to gain. I shouldn't find my identity in my personality rather in the One who designed me.

I should find my identity in God, but I don't always. That is why I still struggle with pride. But what I should keep at the center of my identity is that I am His Daughter. I am so loved by Him that He sent His Son to die for me. I am redeemed and holy because of His sacrifice. That is who I am. He made me a teacher, wife, daughter, and sister to honor Him. Much of my personality is meant to be used by Him, and He is developing my personality.

The better I get at fully accepting and understanding these truths, the less pride I have. The less I have to try to prove I am who I want to be (a good babysitter, a good teacher, etc.). The less I get that anxious, upset feeling when I am not who I want to be. The less pride I have, the more chance I have see other people instead of worrying how other people see me. This improves my relationships and the work I do. The less pride I have, the more I am willing to do whatever God calls me to do instead of what makes me look good to other people.

In Christ,
Jordon

Three Things

I'm sorry. I know this blogging everyday thing has got to stop. Thanks for still reading :)

First, I want to say that I did not tell the whole story of Abraham and Isaac by a long ways nor did I tell the whole story of Abraham being tested, but please check it out in Genesis 22. There are many more good things to get out of the story.

Second, I want to say that there is a difference between just giving something up and giving control over to God. Just letting go isn't going to help anything anymore than us trying to control it does. It must be given to God.

Third, I've got a dog story. So last night Shelby started whining next to my bed at midnight. About twenty minutes later, I gave up and let her out, but Sally went out instead. Shelby drank a gallon of water before I told her she must go out too. I laid down on the couch to sleep until she and Sally want back in.

At about 1, I heard dogs barking outside, know its probably my dogs, and I should probably get them back in before they bother the neighbors. I don't know why I worry about bothering the neighbors because they drive race cars around my house late into the nights some nights (really! but I'll tell you about living in Stockton some other day). So I yelled for them to come back in, they didn't, I left my shorts upstairs so I decided to go back to sleep on the couch after a minor binge on granola.

At 1:40, I heard Shelby bark at the door. When I opened the door to let her in, she went all Lassie on me and barked and ran half way back to where she and Sally had been sitting and barking. Sigh. I went up stairs and put on shorts and got a flashlight and followed her out to where Sally has gone all Where the Red Fern Grows. No, not the sad part. The part where Ol' Dan gets a coon treed and won't move from the base of the tree. Sally is part hound dog after all! I walked across the lawn picturing a rabid raccoon falling out of the tree on my head. I shine my light up in the tree...and saw an orange fluffy tail between wide spread legs and thoroughly dug in claws. I told the girls to come in with me, only Shelby followed. I locked her in the house, and dragged Sally back to the house.

So, this morning, five hours later, I am assuming the cat is out of the tree. I let the dogs out. Sally potties and makes a bee line for the tree. Lays down. Looks up. Oh, no!

I trudge out to the tree again. Trying to figure out how to help the poor cat. Do I really call the fire department and tell them my dogs treed cat? I look. No cat. Whew! Sally follows me back in. :) Silly dogs!

I'll take a break for a few days, and I'll be back with some thoughts on who and what we are and how that affects our lives and probably some stories about taking care of seven young kids for two days.

:)
Jordon

Not Just Washing the Car

So, today I vacuumed and washed my car for the second time this spring. You may not know that it's odd for me to wash my car more than biannually, but it is. Normally, it's just once in the fall and once in the spring. Now the question is, why was I washing my car today?

Well, the truth is I'm a control freak. The car being clean is one more thing I can say I've got under control. It is looking just as it should. Check mark. I have this problem. It's attached to my perfectionism and competition problems, but you don't need to know about all my issues all at once.

This has always been a part of my personality. In fact, I was looking back at my pictures from my first birthday. Mom let me dig into my cake. How do you think I did it? Both hands and a big smile? Nope. One finger.

Some of you were impressed with how much work I got done during spring break in March. Don't be. It's just evidence of my craziness. Although I've always been controlling, Ryan's deployment has caused a flare up.

I can't control what time of the day I get to talk to my husband. I can control my diet, so I eat healthy foods and Special K bars only (with the exception of Easter and Teacher Appreciation Week when I ate way too much chocolate trying to make myself feel better).

I can't control when I will next get to see my husband. I can control the way my yard looks, so I did some landscaping in the front.

I can't control whether he is physically and mentally safe from harm or not. I can control how my house looks, so I replaced the scratched up kitchen flooring.

I can't control when we'll get to have our first child. I can control the cleanliness of my car, so I am keeping it vacuumed and washed.

I wish I could say that the reason I was washing my car was out of thankfulness that God gave me a nice car, and that was part of it, but now you know the other part of it. Of course, there are certainly many, many areas of my life I don't have under control, but that doesn't matter. It's not so much what I'm doing, it's my motivation.

But, really, no one is in control of anything. Unplanned deaths, births, illnesses, and accidents happen all the time. So how do we live?

God asked for complete control of Abraham's life. He sent Abraham out with telling him where he was going. He promised Abraham descendents when Abraham had no children. I completely understand Sarah trying to control the situation and giving Abraham Hagar (I understand the control part, not the asking my husband to sleep with someone else part.). I understand Abraham going along with it. The part of the story that really amazes me, is that when God finally gave them Isaac, God asked for Abraham to yield to His control again. God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac. The controlling parent would be putting forth every effort to keep that long awaited son home and away from danger. God didn't just ask Abraham to allow Isaac to be away from home and exposed to danger. God asked Abraham to kill Isaac. Wow. I don't have kids and I don't understand that love completely, however I do understand the love that builds up for a child when a person waits. I love my future children very much (tears). Anyway, back to the story, Abraham yielded to God's control. He held everything in his life with an open hand.

That's how we live. Holding everything we love--husbands, kids, possessions, etc.--with an open hand. That's one thing deployment forces military families to do. I actually don't get too upset worrying about Ryan's safety. There is no way I can control that. It's up to God.

The word that has been in my mind while writing and must be in your minds as you read is trust. We need to trust God. I wish it were as simple as it sounds!

I didn't expect to share so much!

In conclusion, Psalm 139 has been on my heart. Both the beginning and ending verses talk about God searching us and knowing us. I've been asking God to search me, know me, and tell me what He finds. It's been scary, but it has been good. This is one of the things God has revealed to me. What craziness is in your heart? Do you know? God does, ask Him to show you.

Jordon

Hope

So, in case you didn't know, I really like Angie Smith's blog. I'm sort of a fan of her. I am working on catching up reading all of her blog posts, then I will comment or email and let her know how much I appreciate her which will be a momentous day for me.

Angie also posts on a wonderful site called (in)courage along with other Christian women. On this site, there are more devotional-type posts. I read this one yesterday. It should answer some questions about why I like her so much (She loves to read. She listened to her English teacher. She minored in English. She reads Emily Dickinson poetry.) It also is a beautiful description of hope.

Hope has become extremely important to Ryan and I. We don't really like our present very much. Of course, we try to appreciate it, grow, live in the moment, etc., but we also spend a lot of time hoping. We hope to reach future financial goals. We hope to do this or that to our house. We hope to be able to buy an acreage and build a house. We hope to go camping together in August. We hope most of all for children someday. As Angie says, all of these things may not happen, and God defines hope differently. We can have confidence that the things God has promised and planned will happen. That is why I named my blog after the hope I have in my salvation. The hope that ensures I will spend eternity with my Heavenly Father and my Savior.

Let me make one more point about hope. What has caused Ryan and I to hope so much? Our present difficult situation. I think our difficulties in this life help us to hope for eternity with God. That is why I so love the song "Blessings" by Laura Story. (If you haven't heard it, it is definitely worth the listen.)

If you do not have confident hope in the salvation Jesus offers and that you will spend eternity with Him, please talk to me about it.

With love and hope,
Jordon

Special Moments

My number one special moment: At the wedding yesterday, I went to say hello to my grandpa, and he hugged me tightly. Why is this so special? Because he has ALS (aka Lou Gehrig's Disease), and his muscles are growing weaker and weaker. It might be one of the last tight hugs I get from him.

At the wedding yesterday, I got to talk to one of my favorite English teachers from high school and tell her briefly about my teaching jobs. She had a big smile for me! I wish I would have told her that I use her fly-swatter game and the kids love it!

My nephew, Evan, reached his arms up to me. He remembers me, and I am without question in his circle of trusted adults.

I got to hand out Bibles and Bible verses during the dedication service this morning to some very special people.

Saying good-bye to my god-son today, he gave me a big smile and a little laugh.

My mom told me that my grandma is very proud of me for being a teacher at a Christian school.

There were other special moments in the past couple of days, but these really stood out.

What special moments have you had lately?

Jordon

Alone in a Crowd

***Update*** Thank you for your prayers. I felt like I had been prayed for. Even if you pray late, I think it still counts...time doesn't work the same way for God as it does for us. It still wasn't a perfectly easy day, but I felt everyone had genuine concern for Ryan and I. It was very appreciated!

Pray for me today, Dear Friends. One of the hardest things to do when Ryan is gone, is go to gatherings. I have a wedding and graduation party to go to today. I will see many family and some friends who I love very, very much. I just feel like I don't fit. I feel like half of me is missing. I am used to school functions without Ryan. I am used to church without Ryan--mostly. But, getting used to be around my cousins and sisters who have their husbands and kids with them is really hard.

Walking into my parent's church on Easter, I was holding my nephew, Henry. Mom told me to give him to Jenna because she needs her "security blanket." Mom was referring to the fact that Jenna has always been very shy. Mom views me as very secure, so I don't blame her, but inside I said, Jenna has two other security blankets. My security blanket is in Iraq. Why can't she share this one with me?

I realize there might be some untruths in my feelings, but this is how I feel. So, please pray for me, because, actually, the issue is even deeper than this, but I am not ready to go into that yet.

Thank you,
Jordon

Giving

Hi,
This week I started tutoring, but this morning didn't work out for any of my students to come. So, I put away the books we used this school year and got out the books my classes will used next year. Then, I left school early. I was planning on meeting a friend after tutoring and running errands, so since I left school early, I had time to kill. How to kill time in town.....hmmm....shopping! Before shopping, God reminded me that it'd been over eight weeks since I donated blood. I gobbled down the protein bar I was going to have for lunch and headed to the donation center.

The nurse recorded the normal temperature, blood pressure, height, and weight. She asked me if I gave a partial donation because I am so small. Ego boost! Really, my weight is high enough she had no reason to ask. I am healthy, but not small. Then, she pricked my finger to test my hemoglobin. I have been borderline low before, and I have not been eating a lot of red meat lately, so I was praying. God please let me be able to donate. You brought me here. My reading was 14.3, and the nurse said it was great! "You could donate extra!"

I don't know if the good hemoglobin reading was that high before I prayed or not, but if it wasn't God gave me what I needed so I could give.

People always ask me what I am going to do over my summer. I assume they are thinking about their kids and/or job and/or spouse keeping them busy, and wondering how I, without any of those things (not really without a spouse, but...you understand) , could find anything to do. Oh, I find plenty to do. During the school year, I don't have much time or energy for my friends or family, and I make up for it during the summer.

I also take advantage of having extra time with God. It is so important! So important that Jesus skipped out on sleep to be alone with His Father. He is where I find the energy to give my time and love to people during the summer. Giving blood requires a good hemoglobin count which is connected to healthy eating. Giving of ourselves for others requires being filled with God's love which is connected to a healthy time with Him.

There is popular "Bible study" illustration of this truth. Someone fills a pitcher and dumps it into a cup and uses that cup to fill another cup. The problem is that the first cup ends up empty. However, if the pitcher is continually poured into the first cup and the first cup overflows into the second cup, the first cup is never empty. There are variations of this. Anyway, I have to admit that during the school year, I don't receive God's pouring, and I wind up empty. I need to work on that. I love summer free time because it makes it so much easier to take time to accept what God is pouring into me!

I hope this blesses you!
Jordon