Not Just Washing the Car

So, today I vacuumed and washed my car for the second time this spring. You may not know that it's odd for me to wash my car more than biannually, but it is. Normally, it's just once in the fall and once in the spring. Now the question is, why was I washing my car today?

Well, the truth is I'm a control freak. The car being clean is one more thing I can say I've got under control. It is looking just as it should. Check mark. I have this problem. It's attached to my perfectionism and competition problems, but you don't need to know about all my issues all at once.

This has always been a part of my personality. In fact, I was looking back at my pictures from my first birthday. Mom let me dig into my cake. How do you think I did it? Both hands and a big smile? Nope. One finger.

Some of you were impressed with how much work I got done during spring break in March. Don't be. It's just evidence of my craziness. Although I've always been controlling, Ryan's deployment has caused a flare up.

I can't control what time of the day I get to talk to my husband. I can control my diet, so I eat healthy foods and Special K bars only (with the exception of Easter and Teacher Appreciation Week when I ate way too much chocolate trying to make myself feel better).

I can't control when I will next get to see my husband. I can control the way my yard looks, so I did some landscaping in the front.

I can't control whether he is physically and mentally safe from harm or not. I can control how my house looks, so I replaced the scratched up kitchen flooring.

I can't control when we'll get to have our first child. I can control the cleanliness of my car, so I am keeping it vacuumed and washed.

I wish I could say that the reason I was washing my car was out of thankfulness that God gave me a nice car, and that was part of it, but now you know the other part of it. Of course, there are certainly many, many areas of my life I don't have under control, but that doesn't matter. It's not so much what I'm doing, it's my motivation.

But, really, no one is in control of anything. Unplanned deaths, births, illnesses, and accidents happen all the time. So how do we live?

God asked for complete control of Abraham's life. He sent Abraham out with telling him where he was going. He promised Abraham descendents when Abraham had no children. I completely understand Sarah trying to control the situation and giving Abraham Hagar (I understand the control part, not the asking my husband to sleep with someone else part.). I understand Abraham going along with it. The part of the story that really amazes me, is that when God finally gave them Isaac, God asked for Abraham to yield to His control again. God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac. The controlling parent would be putting forth every effort to keep that long awaited son home and away from danger. God didn't just ask Abraham to allow Isaac to be away from home and exposed to danger. God asked Abraham to kill Isaac. Wow. I don't have kids and I don't understand that love completely, however I do understand the love that builds up for a child when a person waits. I love my future children very much (tears). Anyway, back to the story, Abraham yielded to God's control. He held everything in his life with an open hand.

That's how we live. Holding everything we love--husbands, kids, possessions, etc.--with an open hand. That's one thing deployment forces military families to do. I actually don't get too upset worrying about Ryan's safety. There is no way I can control that. It's up to God.

The word that has been in my mind while writing and must be in your minds as you read is trust. We need to trust God. I wish it were as simple as it sounds!

I didn't expect to share so much!

In conclusion, Psalm 139 has been on my heart. Both the beginning and ending verses talk about God searching us and knowing us. I've been asking God to search me, know me, and tell me what He finds. It's been scary, but it has been good. This is one of the things God has revealed to me. What craziness is in your heart? Do you know? God does, ask Him to show you.

Jordon